500 words to tell you About a Time I Lied
I sat on my parent’s bed away from the family hubbub and well-meaning eavesdroppers. My phone pressed my ear in desperation, desperate to make your words untrue, your failings not failures. I’m guessing this will end up the story of when I lied so many times it is hard to see the truth, except for now years later.
I had left work early. I had cleaned the house in a fever state. I had planned and cooked supper proudly, prideful at the prospect of showing off my skills. Then the waiting and the dish of “disappointed I told yous” set in from my parents and siblings. I held their stares off with the armor of my deep heady infatuation with all things you.
A phone call later and I can’t even remember if you had the good grace to apologize for not calling sooner as the guest of honor. It didn’t cross your mind to have manners in the wake of your youthful endeavors and let the girl holding her heart for you know that you might be late, or not even show up. Somehow I held the tears at bay until I couldn’t and then you woke from your state of narcissism (momentarily). The seconds were ticking away as the lie was working up its courage to ruin my future. You offered excuses, which I took calmly and shook away as innocence, but now in my older heart I realize the stupidity and utter lack respect in those excuses. You. Asshole.
Hearing the tears in my words, asking me for an explanation, “Why are you so upset?”
I can tell you I was only thinking how to keep you close for the here and now and not forever. I thought my words of admission would send you running, my heart would lose its chance. “I’m starting to have feelings for you.” LIAR! LIAR! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? There is no starting! The race has started, you have crossed the finish line. You may not be the winner yet, but holy hell you are certainly not starting. Your heart is there on the other side flopping around like a fish out of water, hoping he will pick it up and give it back the life it is begging for.
Silence. And more silence. Suddenly I’m ready to pass out or run a marathon, the adrenaline is not making decisions very easy for me. Then starts the bullshit lines of placate the girl on the other line waiting for her prince charming to charm her, but she was waiting for him to be a man not a charmer. “I’m starting to have feelings for you too.” Insert numerous lines of why you are protecting me or in other words, being a coward.
I lied. I’m still wondering if my lie protected me and fueled the broke chaos that followed in the months after this phone call. I’m still wondering what honesty would have done for me. What liars love can make of us…